Customer Service:The Slow Downfall of Happiness [Chapter Sixteen]

Why would I put myself through all this trouble, of saving Bella's life, and giving up parts of myself to find her, if at the end of the day, she still wasn't mine?
Well, it really amounts to the fact that just being around her is enough for me. Back then I used to question if we'd ever actually end up together. I'd play out scenarios in my head [the way any writer would do unknowingly] of any number of things. You name it, I've probably thought of Bella and I doing it.
I'd sometimes replace the main characters of movies with ourselves, just to see how funny it's be, and most of the time it was too cheesy to believe.
But with two lives playing out, one in my head and one in real life, it was a lot easier to keep control. Control of myself when I was around her.
Let me explain.

After Bella had gotten back together with Mathew, her and I became best friends. I'm not sure how it happened, or why it did. All I know is I'm glad it happened, even though it must have hurt Betty's feelings.
I think I know why Bella did it, finally started admitting that I was her best friend, or at least one of them.
It was probably a way of keeping me close, because anyone who saw us together could tell there was something between us.
"Man, I've seen the way she looks at you." Manny told me one day. "Like that day you came in to make copies of those pictures. I saw the way she kept looking over at you, like the way you do when someone you like is right there. You know?" And I did, and I felt it too.
And we all saw it when Crow started working at our store, the way Bella's wrath [which was usually pretty much evenly dispersed] was concentrated on Crow and myself. The reason being, that the two of us worked together often and got along pretty well.
I first noticed the change in Bella when she had my back one day, for no reason at all. I was drawing comic strips on the unwanted receipt papers left behind by customers. I drew a few of them everyday, as a way of vicariously acting things out, things I would never really do.
Examples:
A want to mutilate myself in order to repress the accumulating feelings of hatred directed to 'the customer'. [Notice I don't capitalize them, for they are the bringers of despair and woe.]
Attempts of boosting team morale by making silly inside jokes such as;
"Can I have a bag?" the customer asks.
"But you only bought a stick of gum, sir?" The Employee responds.
"You're right." the customer says. "Double bag it."
And then the example that got me into trouble with the "Shorts" people.
A little bit of a history lesson; CVC bought 'Shorts Drugs' one of our competitors, and so Shorts people, as we liked to call them, visited our store frequently, as a way to intimidate us. So one day, when there were dozens of them working, and just Bella and myself, I draw up a little comic that says,
"Oh, no! We're being overrun by Short's Lame-oids!"
And then one to Bella, that she never got to read, by the way, that read,
"Smile, Bella! You're on camera!"

So I go take my lunch and a line starts forming, so one of the high ups, one of my boss's bosses, goes to help check on my register and she must have found my comics because I overhear them talking about them. And then when I clock back in they call me into the office, and write me up for insubordination. A grey word.
Then they call Bella in after me, to try and write her up for not writing me up. But she has my back, like I said, for no good reason, she just did. And I thank her for that, because it would have been easy for her to just nod her head and point her finger, and I would have been out of a job and shit out of luck.
That might have been what made me first fall for her, or maybe it was that ass, I'll never know for sure. I'm kidding, I know what it was.
Her personality, and how she made me work for her affection. At least it felt that way. Everyone at CVC thought I was funny, or at least faked a smile to make me feel better. Everyone but Bella, it must have taken me four to five months to get her to admit she thought I was funny. Just funny! It wasn't like it was me trying to get her to come out and admit she was in love with me or anything, just funny.
It was the fact that she made me work for it, it was the thrill of the chase, that first caught my attention.
I digress.

I thought Bella liked me before she ever admitted it, I was just confused. I didn't want to believe the thoughts, because I thought they were my head playing tricks on me. Because at that time, Bella was the unattainable. If we had met under different circumstances, I probably wouldn't have cared as much, but the fact that I couldn't have her made her the forbidden fruit. She was something amazing. At least in my head, and therefore I would ignore the obvious signs. Until others started mentioning them too.
Even still, when we'd be together, her face inches from mine, I'd resist. I'd hold back the urge to kiss her [this was all before the beach, by the way, everyone] or to hug her, or something. My head was such a mess, when she was around. Because I thought she was testing me, but after a few days, I just accepted it and went with it. I wanted to be around her, for probably the same reason she wanted to be around me.
Since we couldn't actually be together, being best friends was the next best thing. We enjoyed each other's company, and hadn't ruined anything by any sort of physical affection other than hugs and falling asleep on each other. And since Bella loved Mathew more than she'd ever love me, and I knew that, it didn't bother me, being just friends. It was the best way for Bella to keep us both, without doing anything wrong. She loved Mathew, and so she was with him, she liked me, so we were best friends. I knew the boundaries and wouldn't cross them, it was just the 'Bella' factor that had me worried.

Hypothetical Situation:

Bella and I are somewhere. Let's say we're hanging out, like we normally do [outside of work though] and we're having a good talk. A talk about the end of the world or creationism or something like that, and I'm getting into it because we all know I would. Now let's say that this is something about me that attracts Bella to me, should I stop? I probably wouldn't, because I like to talk. But let's say afterwards, she leans in the 70% for the kiss. Do I lean in the rest of the 30% and kiss her back, or not?
On the one hand, I kiss her and she likes it, and we kiss. Then what? We hide it and pretend it never happened, all the while the guilt is building up inside her? Or she tells Mathew and they have a huge fight over it?
On the other hand, I kiss her and she doesn't like it. It was just a sign my mind made me think was really there. Then our friendship is affected, because I went against my word.
I value her friendship almost more than any other, because of the connection and amount of mutual affect we have on each other. Meaning, I can see how since being my friend Bella's thought process has been altered, a little bit towards being like mine. And how, since being her friend I've grown a little bit of a back bone. Even though we'll never match the other, its still comforting to know the change is there.

Back to the inner workings of my head.
With Bella, its hard to not notice things, and I'm sure its the same for her. I notice every detail about her attire and her mannerisms for the day. Take for example, I'm arriving at work [probably two or three o'clock] and Bella's already there and on register. I can tell with one look, a locking of the eyes, how she's feeling that day. Bella might hide a lot of things from me, verbally, but she hides nothing in her eyes, that's why they're my favorite thing about her.
For the longest while I ignored that; her eyes, and her mannerisms. I used to ignore the fact that she'd always mention something about my lips, mostly about them being chapped, which at first I just shrugged off. But later I figured out, that she just wanted to kiss me, whether she admitted it to herself or not.
I'm not sure how she sent me those signals, maybe we both wanted each other that much, and so I caught on, subconsciously. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, whatever it was, I could always tell how she was feeling. Face to face.

Back to her making me work for everything.
She made me work for hugs, I don't know if I mentioned that already. But it wasn't until about seven or eight months into our friendship, that I 'stole' a hug, even though I know Bella, she would have punched me in the nose if she really didn't want me to hug her.
This is what happened. I was upset for some reason, and so I decided to give her the silent treatment, as a way of not making things worse [my tongue gets me into trouble sometimes, it doesn't like to stop]. But I guess that whole actions speak louder than words thing, that bond we have, goes both ways. Because she instantly felt it, and became furious, almost to the point that it scared me. But I broke first and vented and I asked for a hug, which she denied. So then I asked for a high-five, friends give high-fives. She smiled and rolled her eyes extending her hand, and I grabbed it and pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her. I saw, before I hugged her, her smile widen and her eyes close in glee. Then I lost my balance and we fell against the wall in the break room, but she still held on, and then eventually asked me to release her, and then complained about me smacking her into the wall. I told her I like to man handle my ladies and she called me gay and walked off. I'm pretty sure, that was just a regular old hug, no different than the thousands of hugs I'd given and received, but since she made me wait for it, and actually 'steal' it, it made the hug so much better.
But that's how a lot of things with our friendship were, always having to just jump after them.
But isn't that how life should be? Who wants to be lost in the same old boring day to day routine?
I know I don't.

-Sir Jestro