Customer Service:The Slow Downfall of Happiness [Chapter Nine]

...After the play Omega showed us his dick, too.
There was a cast party after every school play we did, but that one was a smaller, less formal [if you will] party, and our teacher was pretty upset that she wasn't invited. But we continued to tell her,
"Ms. B! All we did was play D&D! Its not our fault the only people we hangout with are in theater!" But she wasn't convinced.
We all sat around Carrios' dinner table, Omega was at the head [Carrios' seat] and two girls [Sakaura and Chipmunk] said next to him. Yeah, if Omega had played his card's right he could have nailed both of them, or at least got a B-job while fingering the other. The others who were there, I can't remember who else was there, maybe Kim Je-Min, Carrios, myself, and the girls, were just sitting around the table playing D&D. I was the DM, like always, and it was a pretty epic campaign, I think. I can't really remember.
Why don't you remember? You might be asking. Well, let me inform you kind reader, sitting on a chair looking in your laptop or desktop screen. Or maybe you're at Starfucks on your itouch reading this? I will never know, but what I do know is, I lost my virginity before Omega. And I also know why.
So the girls leave sooner than the rest of us, right? They were only at the party for about an hour and a half. But their ride comes to pick them up, and take them back to their overprotective homes. Carrios and I both walk them out, like the gentlemen we are. Hugs are given, the way they ought to be when departing ways. You might never know if you'll ever see that friend again, and what if you had been waiting to tell them something? What if its like when your secret crush leaves schools and you wait until the day they leave to confess your crush to them, only to find out that they had the same feelings for you. They were just too afraid to confront you. Its a similar feeling.
I digress.
So we close the door and walk back into the dinning room and there on the head of the table, the place where Carrios eats, is Omega's tiny little dick flopped onto the wood.
"I'm all in guys!" He screams and shakes it around. I looked away and cursed myself for even looking as I long as I did.
I don't know how they do things in Greece, but if I was going to show my penis to a room full of guys [not that I would do that, but just for the sake of my point] I sure as hell would let some blood flow to it first. I'd exceed the five inch average and make them jealous. I would not just whip it out and plop it down on Carrios' table, at the same spot he eats, I'd plop it on Alex's spot.
"Why did you wait until the girls left to show that?" I asked, my eyes closed and my face buried in my shoulder. All Omega could do was make a
"Law!" sound and giggle.
Why he waited until after the girls left, I'll never know. I know he would have gotten some action if he had pulled it out with them there. How am I so sure? Oh, wait. It might be when the girls pretty much said they would if he whipped it out. Maybe that's how I know?
Before that, this is now backstage at one of the plays, Omega is giving Carrios a hard time.
"You've got such a little dick! Let me see it!" Again, why he asked, I don't know. But with enough persistence, even the strongest Spartan can fall victim to Greece's devilishly gay ways. So we're sitting backstage, this must have been Alice in Wonderland, because I wasn't onstage [which was unusual since I was always a lead, but thankfully I was only two very small roles, Tweedledum and The Mad Hatter] I was sitting against the back wall. The whole back of the stage, behind the curtains, was always filled with stage props and scenery, so moving around wasn't ever a good idea, unless of course, you don't mind being yelled at. So I'm sitting there, and Omega is trying to feel up another girl, Liza. So I guess as a way of showing her how funny he was, he decided to make fun of Carrios about having a tiny dick.
Then during a scene change, as all the actors and stage hands scatter to and fro across the stage, each knowing [like ants] exactly what to do, Carrios comes up to us and says,
"Fine, fuck it!" And folds out his lower horn. I'm sorry Carrios, but I've never wanted to laugh so hard. Again, I would have smacked it around a little bit and got some blood flowing through it, before revealing it. But it wasn't that fact that makes me laugh, it was Carrios' face. His face scrunched up, like he smelled something really bad, and his jaw fell down. His tongue popped out and made the whole spectacle amazingly funny. Then omega let out disgusting,
"Lawl!" sound and the memory fades away.
Those were some life changing memories, a kind of bonding you never really want to admit to.
"Yeah, I've seen both Omega and Carrios' dicks." That's not really something you say in regular conversation. But the memories will always stay, just like 'The Microwave Story'.

The Microwave Story

So, I'm in the break room, at CVC, and I'm sitting closest to the door. To my left is Manny, and across from the two of us is my heart, Bella. Behind her is Burtha pulling something covered in aluminum foil out of the fridge. Yeah, there's a fridge in the break room, what up? So we're talking about nothing really important, and this was before Bella and I really started talking [I mean to the point where Mathew didn't feel comfortable with us talking outside of work]. With Bella's back turned to Brutha, she didn't see her put the aluminum in the microwave. But Manny and I did. Burtha didn't even notice, she must have been caught up in the conversation, we all do that sometimes, that she was about to kill us, or at the very least make Manny and I infertile. Manny and I see it at the same time, the lights inside the microwave flicker, tiny blue explosions popping off of the foil.
For the first time in my life, I'm speechless, I literally can't make the words,
"Fuck, Burtha! You're gonna kill us!" come out.
Manny is smacking me, and I know he's trying to get me to say something, but I can't. Both of our faces are a ghost white now, and and our eyes are opened wide to watch as the microwave exploded.
Manny and I jumped towards the door leading back into the store, by the drink coolers, just as my hands touch the wood of the door, it explodes. My body flies into the door, it swings open and I feel myself fly through the air, then slamming hard against the glass cases of small electronics. I don't remember much after that, the doctors said it was a miracle I survived, I was the only one who did out of the four of us. But what I do remember, before I found myself in the hospital three weeks later with a fat workman's comp check, was a dream.
I dreamt of the flux capacitor, that's what makes time travel possible.
After I awoke I swore I would bring them back, my co-workers, I would bring them back. I would change the present, and the future by altering the past.
The first thing I needed was a the math.
I started with Einstein's theory of relativity, more specifically, Special relativity. Where he postulated that the speed of light is constant to all observers no matter there speed. The speed of light then being 671 million miles per hour. Now as this was a good stepping stool for understanding the theory of how time travel would work, it still didn't tell me anything about altering it. I then progressed onto the Twin Paradox. The notion that if one twin were to travel in a space ship, to let's say mercury and back, he would find he had aged less than his twin who stayed back on earth. Now, if special relativity were to work, the paradox would be flawed, but it opened my mind to an idea.
If I were to find a way to move at such a speed that I could jump from one side of the earth's revolution to the other. For those that I've lost, the earth travels around the sun in a large circle, that's what we call a revolution, or a year. Now if I were to fly through space, leaving in January and fly in a straight line [assuming I could travel below or above the sun {also assuming that were possible, space having an up and a down} without burning up} until I ran into the earth again, I should, in theory, land in June of that year. But since I would still be moving at the same speed as the earth I wouldn't have traveled through time, only space. So my theory evolved. If I could bend the space time continuum I could travel faster than relative motion. Imagine, if you will, the universe as a flat plane and everything on it moving across it in straight lines from one side to the other. If I could bend the universe, creating a dip. All time would continue at the same speed it normally would, but if I were to cross this dip, I would have essentially traveled faster in time.
Now this new idea did nothing for helping me go back in time to bring Bella back, so we could later make some amazingly attractive as well as intelligent children. So I moved to the wheel.
If you roll a wheel down a hill, it will move downward heading to the center of gravity, gaining speed until it eventually stops. But how do you move a wheel up the hill? With enough force, I would assume. So I needed to come up with some kind of force to move me backwards, or up the hill, away from the center of gravity that time was pulling all things.
How did I achieve this? By the vary same accident that killed my future wife. The explosion of the microwave altered my atoms, allowing me to feel the presence of worm holes, or holes in the space time continuum. So using my theory before of the dip, a worm hole could take you from one time of the universe to the other. Imagine a time line, the kind you'd see in history text books, and now imagine you folded in, that doesn't change time, it just changes how you read it, so how you would live it. So if time moves from left to right on the time line all you would have to do was find a way to move back to the left, and the worm hole does just that.
It took me a long time to find the worm hole, I had to live with a blind China man for two years on the top of a mountain before it opened. The China man called me "Chong" which I think means Worm, but I'm not sure.
When I came out of the other side, I was outside of my house, at a time I already knew. It was the day of the microwave. So I killed my old self and went back to work as myself, but what I didn't notice until after I got to work, is half of my hair had gotten fried as I came through the worm hole. It looked cool, so I kept the new hair style.
I waited all day for the microwave, and when it came I thought I was ready, but my fear took a hold of me again. I tried so hard to scream as I sat across from Bella, but all I could do was extend my arm to her. This caught her attention and she looked around screaming to Burtha,
"The microwave!" Burtha opened the microwave door, and we were saved. I could now continue on to one day marry Bella, and with her help, become the greatest American writer who ever lived.
But that all comes later, now I have to tell you all why I fell for Bella in the first place.

-Sir Jestro