It was while she was still with that Mathew kid, we had made plans [and when I say "we" I mean I asked her out on a friendly date] to go to the circus. But like pretty much every other time, I had to invite someone else to come along with us. But by this time, everyone felt as though the two of us were already an item and didn't want to be a third wheel, we must have been a great couple.
So I couldn't get anyone else to come along with us, and Bella told me, straight up, I can't go. Mathew was uneasy, still, with the two of us being alone together, and going out to the circus together. And with good reason, I'd be jealous of me too!
LAWLZ!
Well, I still wanted to go to the circus, so I went...alone. I invited Antonary with me, but he had a show that night in Palm Springs, so he was busy. I got there just fine, which was a surprise because my car had begun to hate me, probably because I never made a move on Bella, even though I was given the chance over a dozen times. She pretty much threw herself at me a few times, but I valued that friendship enough not to want to jeopardize it. But don't get me wrong, I wanted to do just horrible things to her, sexually, but felt that if it was going to happen it would be a mutual endeavor. Also, she was a kickass friend, not one you can find too easily, so I didn't want to ruin that when she'd strategically make it to where I ended up onto of her, on my bed.
I digress.
I was at the circus and watched Siamese Twins sing, and a man swallow his own arm, and things like that [the whole time texting my beloved Bella]. As I was wondering around after the big performance I was heading back to my car when an old Gypsy woman stopped me.
"Would you like to see your future?" She asked me. I thought about it for a second.
If I could see me future would that change it? If so, what would the point in that be? But that's only assuming that the future isn't set in stone, that it changes with every new action. If that were true then as I watched my future wouldn't it be constantly changing? With that in mind I decided that time must be set in stone, like a book. No matter how many times you read it, it will always be the same' the beginning, the middle, and the end. So I thought, 'fuck it'.
"Sure." I told her. "How much?"
"No price." She said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You are meant for great things, and it is my destiny to show you what to expect." She said. That theory blew my mind.
Your entire life being based around one thing. Nothing else you do matters, except this one thing. What if my destiny was just to tell someone to walk home instead of driving because I had the bad feeling they were going to get in a car wreck. Nothing else in my entire life mattered, the only thing I was put on this earth for was to tell that one person to walk home. It really takes the fun out of living, don't you think?
It's like we're all just a single note in an entire orchestra of sound. I'm a single eighth note on a page, stringing the song along. With that outlook you can't help but become selfless.
But as I know, from living, even if we're meant to do one thing, no matter what, there's still some much more we can do, along the way.
I digress, again.
The woman put her hand over my eyes and told me to breathe deeply, and so I did. I saw a flash.
I was an old man, probably in my late thirties, and I was walking hand-in-hand with an old version of Bella. The two of us looked happy, old, but happy. She still looked just as beautiful then as she does now, quite possibly more beautiful, like she had finally grown into her body. Completely comfortable, the way only old people do.
Then the old woman removed her hand from my eyes.
"That is your happily ever after, Ryan. With her. She will take the best out of you, and help you accomplish all the things you were meant to do. And you will give her a beautifully interesting life in return. All the stories that can't be retold, only experienced, you will give her."
I was, for the first time, speechless.
"The future is just as unchangeable as the past, but that doesn't mean coasting by will make it easy." She said and then a group of stupid middle school kids, probably from San Bernadino, walked between us, and she was gone.
"Fuckin' kids!" I screamed and headed to my car. I checked my phone, there was a text from Bella.
"Hello!!!? *pOw*" It said.
"Sorry, what's up?" I texted back. Then drove home. The whole way thinking to myself.
If the future isn't unchangeable then it shouldn't matter if I don't do anything, right? I could go and drive my car into a wall right now, right? But would that kill me? Maybe I'd just end up in a coma and live in the world of "Dollface"? Maybe me being in a coma would cause Bella to want to be with me? Who knows? All I saw were two old people who looked like Bella and me, holding hands -- I could feel the absolute love though.
Maybe I'd become some kind of professional author or film maker, and become a legend. Maybe that'd make Bella want to be with me? But the vision was of absolute love, not the kind of someone being a gold digger. Who knows?
I ran all kinds of "what if" questions through my head and none of them really added up. But as I looked into my own past, a lot of the stories that I'm certain have happened to me, don't add up. Life is sometimes the worst story, with the worst writers, ever! I decided to just go with the flow, to not change my intentions. Because before then I never expected finding a happily ever after, especially not with Bella. But now that I know that I'm getting one, and its arguably not even possible, it seems like things have changed.
"What time do you work tomorrow *pOw*" She said via text.
"I close, 2:30-11:30pm." I texted back.
"Ill see you for a few hours im off at 7 *pOw*" She said.
"Okay, cool! See you then!" I said.
Then we continued to text until she fell asleep, I posted a poem that night, on my blog about her, and about how things had changed. It was as if her entire tone had changed, that every question had a hidden meaning now.
This whole thing hurt my head.
-Sir Jestro
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