Eyes Swollen Shut Chapter 4

"Tony sounds like the kind of guy that used to be a pimp back in like...when did pimps wear big hats with like feathers 'n shit in 'em?" Edwardo asked.
"The seventies."
"Hell yeah, man. A pimp from the seventies." Then he let out a weird giggle that made me laugh. "You should ask him what kind of tail he got back then."
"Dude, why would I ask him something like that?" I asked while filled the ice bins with ice.
"Why wouldn't you, bro?" Edwardo was walking around the counter toward the front door, jingling the keys like an asshole.
"It just doesn't really seem like something I need to know, you know?"
"Its not about needing, its about getting people in their comfort zone." He reached the front door, there were some early birds already waiting out front. Edwardo stopped right at the glass and turned around. "If you find something that he enjoys and keep talking about it, it'd make the work place better." There was a knock on the window. "If the dude likes you, then he won't give you problems."
Edwardo opened the door and we helped customers for a few hours.
Later when the place had died down Edwardo started the conversation back up.
"So rememebr what I was saying earlier; about getting Tony to like you?"
"Yeah."
"Well, dude. I JUST realized that same tatic can get you laid!"
"Edwardo, I'm not gay. I know my shaggy emo hair makes my eyes look delicate but-"
"No, that's not what I meant," He cut me off. "I met with chicks. Just get them to talk about what they like, not what you like. Plus, if it turns out that you two like the same shit, well, that's what people think soulmates are."
"Wow, Eddy-" I said in a dry tone. "you are my Oprah."
"Shut the hell up, man! I'm serious! It all boils down to selfishness. People like themselves, first and foremost." He motioned to a couple who was seated in front of the bar. "Hey, you two!"
They turned to him.
"Yeah, you two. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure..." The girl said.
"What's his favorite hobby?" Edwardo asked, propping himself on the bar counter.
"He likes building little train sets." She replied.
"No, shit. Serously?"
"Yeah, its true." The guy said.
"And what is your favorite hobby?" Edwardo asked the girl.
"Um..." She paused for a second. "Well, I have a lot of hobbies, like I like to play the violin or um, like taking photos on Instagram, um...and like, I dunno hangout with my friends. Oh, I like dancing too."
"Thanks." Edwardo said, then turned his gaze to the guy. "So sup with these little trains?"
"I dunno, I've just always had a thing for miniature train sets."
"Right. So what's her favorite place to visit?"
"She likes the beach." The guy responded.
"Ha! Don't we all, and your favorite place?" Edwardo was really into this.
"Hmmm..." He was quite for a second too. "I really like warm places, you know like Palm Springs or Joshua Tree, places like that. Its really the whole landscape of the desert; you know? The rocks and the cacti?"
"I feel you, my dude. They make road trips interesting, I'll tell you that." Edwardo looked at me with a smirk then turned back to the couple, who were both staring at him. "Hey, thanks you guys."
He walked up to me and lowered his voice.
"You see that, my dude? Not only did they have more to say when I asked what they, in particular liked to do, but they even tried using bigger words. If that's not evidence then I don't know what is."
He had a point, they did all those things.
"Dude, I think you getting that second job proves that your family is wrong about you, bro." He stood up straight and talked in a regular voice now. "We need to get you a lady and get you laid."
"Hold up," I said. "I can get myself laid...by myself." Or something like that.
"Really now?" Edwardo laughed.
"Hell yeah!"
"When was the last time you got any poon?"
"A month ago, give or take." I was telling the truth.
"Were you hogging?"
"Was I what?"
"Were you hogging? Slaying dragons? Fuckin' fat girls?"
I paused for a moment. Was that last girl fat? I don't really remember, I had had a few drinks and we banged in the backseat of her truck, with the lights out. Maybe she was fat.
"Yeah, maybe she was." Edwardo smirked.
"How did you?"
"You had that far off look in your eye and then your jaw kinda dropped, means she was a fatty." He stood at my side and patted me on the back. "Bro, I love you. But hogging doesn't count. Unless you claim to be a Chubby Chaser then you're just throwing strikes."
What the hell was he talking about?
"But don't worry, man." He slouched down next to me. "We'll find a nice looking girl for you."
"Yeah, because it just happens, right? Now that you decide I need a girl, she just pops up?"
"Have a little confidence, my dude." He walked back to where he was when he was talking to that couple earlier. He wasn't even looking at me. "I'll be your Zen Master, just listen to me. The next cute chick that walks through the door, ask her on a date."
Was this guy serious? Just do it? Like its nothing.
"Dude, its nothing. Just do it like its nothing. When you overreact, that's when dudes look like douches." Someone off in the distance shouted 'amen, brutha!'
"Fine. Next chick that walks in. I'll ask her on a date." I was getting heated.
"Just don't ask her to go to coffee though, that's lame." The guy from earlier said.
"Yeah, ask her to go to get some ice cream or something." His girlfriend added.
"Ice cream?" I asked.
"Dude, its been like over a hundred degrees all week, ice cream is the way to go." Edwardo said.
"Alright, next chick that comes in-"
"Not a fatty." Edwardo added.
"-who is cute, I'm asking to get ice cream. When she turns me down, I'll have proven you are wrong and I am right." I said.
"Alright, deal."
Then the door opened. The little metal bell we have on the top of it jiggled. Everyone in the whole cafe turned to see who it was. It felt like one of those shitty romance films where the chick is moving in slow  motion. You know the shot, where it starts at like her shoe and moves up her legs and then her chest, ending finally on her gorgeous face? Yeah, it was kind of like that, only not in slow motion.
She was short, maybe five one. She wore a pair of black flats, grey leggings and and black tank top with an eyeball on it. She has wavy black hair with green streaks in it. She had a mouse-like nose and big green eyes. She was gorgeous. I think I even heard Edwardo groan. I glanced at him, it was a look of reluctance and fear. He shot back a look that said two things: "Do it, fucker!" and "I'm so jealous."
She walked right up to me, because I was standing at the register and asked,
"What's good here?" Her voice was small like a tiny violin in a huge theater. It hurt my chest.
"Um..." I couldn't think. Everyone was staring at me. "Actually, nothing."
She looked at me like I had just thrown up.
"What I mean is..." I looked over to Edwardo for a split second. He knew what I was thinking, and nodded.
"Why don't I take you across the street for some ice cream, it looks really hot out there."
She was silent for a few seconds as the gears in her head turned. The side of her lip rose.
"You have no idea. Okay, let's go then."
-Sir Jestro